What I Wish I'd Know Before My Metabolism Went on Strike: Laughing (and learning) through midlife weight struggles

 

“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” → Lies. Croissants exist.

Once upon a time — back when I could eat an entire pizza, wash it down with a margarita, and still slip into my jeans like a rom-com heroine — I had no idea the betrayal that awaited me. Oh honey, I was living my best metabolism-fueled life. Until… dun dun dunnn… midlife.

And let me tell you, when my metabolism decided to peace out, it didn’t give me a heads-up. No “Hey girl, we’re slowing things down.” No memo. No gentle fade. Just one day, bam! I gained three pounds from sniffing a bagel, and my jeans started gaslighting me. “Did we shrink in the wash?” they whispered smugly. No, Susan. You just forgot what carbs can do after 40.

Welcome to the Midlife Metabolism Mutiny

Nobody warns you that weight in your 40s and 50s is a whole different beast. (Or if they do, us hot and busy 20 and 30 year olds aren’t listening — “Stop whining Karen and blaming your muffin top on your hormones — it’s you!”)

It’s not just about counting calories or hitting the gym anymore. No, this is an epic hormonal soap opera starring estrogen (or the lack thereof), cortisol, and that lying scale.

I spent YEARS thinking I just needed to “try harder.” Like it was my fault. If I could just find the willpower, avoid carbs forever, and jog through a hot flash, I’d be golden. Spoiler alert: that’s not how it works.

“You just need more willpower” → Nah, I need sleep, support, and protein.

Here’s What I Wish I’d Known:

1. Your body isn’t broken. It’s evolving.
   You’re not failing. You’re transitioning. (And yeah, it sucks sometimes.) But your body isn’t the enemy — it’s your lifelong ride. And she’s still got some serious magic.
2. Midlife weight gain isn’t laziness or weakness — it’s science.
   Hormonal changes, muscle loss, stress, sleep disruptions… they’re all part of the mess. And fighting your body just makes everything worse.
3. Scale obsession is a toxic relationship.
   You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life. The scale doesn’t know your strength, your joy, or how many times you chose broccoli over brownies.

How I Dropped 20+ Pounds (And Kept Most of It Off, Thank You Very Much)

Now, let me be real. I didn’t find a magic pill or secret celebrity plan. What I found was patience, progress over perfection, and a few tools that actually helped me work with my midlife body — not against it.

Here’s what worked for me:

Noom

Yes, the quirky psychology-based app with the little lessons. It wasn’t just the tracking — it was the mindset shift. I started thinking about why I was stress-eating chips at midnight like they wronged me in a past life. Noom helped me notice my habits without shame. Game. Changer.

Beachbody on Demand

I know, I know. It sounds like something a 25-year-old with abs for days would use, but hear me out. They’ve got workouts for real humans. The kind of humans who sometimes just need to stretch and breathe and not cry while doing burpees. (But also, yes, burpees happened. I didn’t enjoy them. Let’s never speak of it again.)

“No pain, no gain” → If it hurts, I’m out. Period.

Walking + Tracking My Steps

Nothing fancy. Just aiming for more movement. I made walking non-negotiable. Some days I hit 10K, some days 4K. But every step counted, and every walk cleared my head. Bonus: fewer murdery thoughts during PMS week.

Limiting My Snacking (AHHHHHH!)

This one? Oof. As a lifelong snack queen, this hurt. But once I realized I was snacking out of boredom, stress, and procrastination, I found better ways to cope. Like journaling. Drinking tea. Screaming into a pillow. You know — growth.

How I Learned to Love My Body (Even When It Didn’t Love Me Back)

The most surprising part of this journey? I stopped caring so much about the weight. Like, actually stopped. I looked at my stretch marks, my soft belly, my thighs that refuse to be quiet, and I thought: You know what? I’ve hated you long enough. Let’s call a truce.

I wore the shorts. I wore the swimsuit. I stopped crying in dressing rooms. I even bought a pair of jeans a size up — and get this — I didn’t die. Turns out, life’s a whole lot more fun when you’re not in a silent war with your waistline.

These days, I live by the mantra: strong > skinny and joy > jeans size.

I move because it makes me feel alive.
I eat to nourish, not punish.
And I take damn good care of this miraculous, menopause-ridden body of mine — because she still shows up for me every single day.

Final Thoughts from Your Sassy Midlife BFF

Listen, love. If you’re in the thick of the midlife weight rollercoaster, please know you are not alone. You’re not lazy. You’re not a failure. You’re a radiant, powerful, ever-evolving woman who deserves to feel good in her skin — no matter the number on the tag.

So ditch the guilt. Toss the shame. Let’s laugh through the struggle, lift each other up, and remember that we are more than our metabolism.

And if your jeans don’t fit today? Screw it. Wear leggings and go live your best damn life anyway. 💋

If you like my stuff — please consider joining my tribe and maybe buying me an energy drink for all those Beachbody workouts I’m trying on Ko-fi! We got this — together! Find me here.