Rediscovering Yourself after Narcissistic Abuse: Finding the You that You Lost
Hello, old friend. I’ve missed you.
It feels like a lifetime ago that we used to have so much fun together. What happened? How did we drift apart?
Oh, wait. I do know what happened.
It was that relationship. The one that turned my world into an upside-down, inside-out, no-sense-making mess. The one where I lost every last glimmer of hope and belief in a world that functioned the way it was supposed to. The one where I lost me.
Waking up from the nightmare of narcissistic abuse is only the beginning. Realizing that this isn’t normal, that you aren’t crazy, that your gut had been screaming at you for a reason — those are just the first steps. What comes next? That, my friend, is the real roller coaster. Because now, after the shock wears off, you’re left staring at the mirror and asking, Who the hell am I?
And wow, is that a question. Because here’s the thing about surviving narcissistic abuse: you don’t just lose yourself in the relationship — you bury yourself. You dig a deep hole, cover yourself up, and tell yourself it’s safer down there. And maybe for a while, it was. But now you’re clawing your way back, and, well… it’s dark in here, isn’t it? And a little lonely.
For me, the hardest part hasn’t been the leaving (though, don’t get me wrong, that was an epic battle). It’s been the rebuilding. It’s been finding myself under the wreckage, dusting off the pieces, and figuring out how to put them back together. Because after years — sometimes decades — of being told who you are, what you like, how you should think, and even what your reality is, trying to trust yourself again feels like learning to walk after your legs have been in casts.
Writing has been one of my lifelines. It’s like taking baby steps back through the looking glass, reconnecting with the parts of me that I was forced to abandon. Old friends, familiar places, music I used to love but was somehow convinced was wrong — all of it feels like clues leading me home. And just saying it out loud — acknowledging that my life is divided into a clear before, during, and after — has been oddly healing. Because none of those versions of me look the same.
So, let’s talk about you for a second. Who were you before the ogre came along and tried to snuff out your light? (Oh, the irony — how they adored that light so much they just had to have it… only to turn around and try to destroy it.)
I bet you were pretty damn incredible. You had energy, a spark. You had opinions (remember those?). You had hobbies, passions, strong beliefs about the things that mattered. You laughed — a real, deep, belly laugh that wasn’t tinged with anxiety. You probably loved making other people happy, and not in a desperate, please-don’t-get-mad-at-me way, but in a genuine, it-feels-good-to-be-good way. You had friends who liked you, not ones who were forced into silent competition with a controlling, insecure partner.
And guess what? You’re still in there. Under the gaslighting, the self-doubt, the exhaustion, and the fear — you’re still in there.
Now, I won’t sugarcoat it. Finding yourself again isn’t like flipping a switch. It’s not about “getting over it” (as if trauma were a bad haircut you could grow out). No, it’s a process. Some days, you’ll feel like you’ve finally got a grip on who you are, and then BAM — something will trigger a memory, and suddenly you’re back in survival mode, second-guessing yourself and wondering if you imagined the whole damn thing. (You didn’t.)
But this journey? It’s worth it.
So, where do you start? Here are some ways to begin the process of rediscovery:
1. Revisit What You Loved (Before They Told You Not To)
What did you enjoy before they made you feel guilty for it? Was it painting? Dancing? Watching romcoms without rolling your eyes in forced disdain? Did you have a favorite band that somehow became off-limits? Reclaim those things. Put on that music. Pick up that paintbrush. Go back to what made you feel alive before someone tried to convince you that you shouldn’t.
2. Connect with People Who Knew That Version of You
Reach out to the friends and family members who remember who you were before you became a shell of yourself. Let them remind you of your light, your humor, your kindness, and your fire.
3. Try Something Completely New
Sometimes, we become so entangled with our abuser that everything in our life feels tainted by them. Trying something new — a hobby, a new workout, even a new coffee shop — can be a powerful way to create fresh experiences that belong only to you.
4. Write Your Story
Even if no one else ever reads it, writing your story is a way to reclaim your narrative. When you put your experiences into words, you become the storyteller — not them. And let me tell you, there is so much power in that.
5. Get Comfortable with Taking Up Space Again
One of the cruelest things about narcissistic abuse is how it teaches you to shrink yourself — to walk on eggshells, to avoid conflict, to prioritize their needs above your own. Well, no more. Practice saying what you think, asking for what you want, and allowing yourself to exist fully in your own damn life again.
Look, I know the road ahead is daunting. Some days, you’ll feel like you’ve made huge strides; others, you’ll wonder if you’ve made any progress at all. But here’s the thing: healing isn’t linear, and rediscovery takes time. The good news? You’ve already taken the hardest step — you woke up. You saw the truth. And now, slowly but surely, you’re coming back to life.
And I, for one, can’t wait to meet you again.
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